Of Goddesses and Mortal Men
by J.L. Tinsley
Summary: This is a stupidfunnyrandom mocking of the godsgoddesses. Has almost nothing to do with real Greek mythology so if you are some nerdy Greek-oid who will flame for inaccuracy, here comes my one and only warning-AVOID THIS AT ALL COST! For those of you who
1. Of Ares and Athena

AN/ Hello! Welcome to my story, I hope you like it. I don't really have to use a disclaimer, but I want to anyway. I do not own any of the Greek gods, I wish! They belong to the extremely lucky Greek people and all those people that own their statues in the museums. If I did, Hades would be locked up in a dungeon somewhere and Ares would become my personal slave. tee hee hee. evil grin  
  
NOTE: This is speaking "." and this is thinking '.'  
  
Chapter One: Of Ares and Athena  
  
You see Ares standing with a sword being held threateningly at a small object. Athena walks up next to him and sits down.  
  
Athena: What be you doing, dear Ares.eth?  
  
Ares eyebrows raise in question but he does not look up from the object.  
  
Athena: Achemeth...  
  
Still no movement..  
  
Athena: ACHEMETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ares: What???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Athena: What be you doingeth??????????????????????  
  
Ares: Are you insane? Can't you see I'm in the middle of a hunt! And what the heck is up with your old English??!?!?? It's driving me nuts!  
  
Athena: Me insaneth?!?! You're the one attacking a flyeth!!!! Whatever happened to you being mister big strong super god who rescues me in your mighty arms.eth?  
  
Ares: (sticks up his chin) I did no such thing! And even if I did what's to say that I don't regret it deeply?  
  
Athena staggers back and looks shocked and hurt badly.  
  
Athena: gasps.eth! I am shocked and hurt badlyeth! How can you say such a thingeth? looks at the ground I thought. you loved me.eth.  
  
Ares too looks at the ground and begins to feel sorry for the now crying Athena. Suddenly she burst into wails and threw herself on her back on the ground with her arms flailing wildly.  
  
Athena: NO ONE LOVES ME! I'M GOING TO BE AN OLD MAID THE REST OF MY ETERNAL LIFETH!!!! OH, WOE IS ME, I AM GOING TO DIE LONELY AND SAD AND. wait a minute.. Wait a minute!!!! YESSSSSSS.eth!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
All this time Ares had been edging slowly away from the extremely frightening Athena, but know he drew closer with a question written on his face. What the heck is she doing? And what the heck is talking about? He was almost afraid to ask her. But, being mister big strong super hero, he asked anyway.  
  
Ares: What the heck are you doing? And what the heck are you talking about?  
  
Athena: Oh. nothing, nothing. under her breath nothing at all. grins evilly  
  
Ares: I've got a bad feeling about this.  
  
A/N: PLEEEEZZZEEEEEE Read and Review! This is my first fan fic and I need some encouragement. If you don't like it, please tell me. nicely please! I know its not really a comedy yet but it will be soon. I will update ASAP but pleeeeeze review! I am begging you! I will try to thank all the nice people who review in my next chapter.


	2. To win a god's heart

Before this chapter gets started, here is some info you need to know-  
please read all of it!  
  
A/N: Sorry the last chapter was so confusing. This one should help explain. But you must know some basic the history of the Greek gods, as well as some knowledge of The Trojan War, as well as the powers of Aphrodite's girdle and about the thing between Ares and Aphrodite-if you know what I mean. Wink, wink- I mean, she is the goddess of love! But if you pay attention you might be able to pick up most of the info you need. Thanks to Remy, Tatianna, Contessa, and Aryante for reviewing. You guys are the best! Sorry there are so many A/N's. Sorry this A/N is so long. Sorry for all the spelling mistakes. Sorry I keep apologizing. Sorry- oh, nevermind.  
  
P.S.- Another A/N. () Okay, the last chapter wasn't very funny, so I've decided to move it back under the "General" section instead of "Humor" section. I will still try to make it funny, but I'm not very good at it! A question for all you loyal readers out there- Should Athena keep speaking Old English in her own freaky way or is it too annoying? Please review and tell me what you think!  
  
Chapter 2: To win a god's heart-  
  
Aphrodite is sitting inside her room, looking franticly for something. Finally she pulls out an old paper sack.  
  
Aphrodite: Yes! I found it!  
  
Hera, who is sitting across the room, looks on in disgust.  
  
Hera: EEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe you just touched that! Who knows who has stuck there face in that! You can just see all that nasty gaudy makeup in there! Yuck!  
  
Aphrodite: As a matter of fact, I'M the one who put MY face in there! That nasty gaudy makeup is mine! I'm so hideous, I have to wear that much makeup just look even remotely like what I'm supposed too!  
  
Athena: Why the heck would you put your face in thateth? I thought you were supposed to be the pretty one-eth! And if you're so ugly, what does that make me-eth? Gulp-eth. How can I ever carry out my plan if I'm so hideouseth? AAAAHHHHHHH-eth!!!!!!!!!!! Begins to wail and again throws herself on the ground-again  
  
Hera: rolls her eyes Ughh, you are SO pathetic! And its not like the author of this pathetic excuse of a fan fic is actually going by the story or anything! Hey, what do you mean, "carry out my plan"?  
  
Athena: Oh, nothing-eth. another evil grin  
  
Hera: Mmmmhhhhhhmmmm. Oh well. I've learned a long time ago not to mess with other people's business, so I'll just let you get in trouble. I like doing that! MWA, MWA, MWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Hera swept out of the room laughing evilly (that was definitely her born talent), and Aphrodite continued in her business of hiding herself from the world with that age-old trick of tying a sweatshirt around the waist of your toga (hey, they call it an age-old trick for a reason). Athena then headed over to her house where she began to draw out the details of her plan. Just then she realized something. To carry out her plan, she would need some real help. She would need gulp Aphrodite.  
  
The next day  
  
Aphrodite: You need me to do WHAT?!?!?!?  
  
Athena: Shhh!!! He'll hear you!  
  
Aphrodite: No he won't! He's busy attacking that fly, and you know good and well that when he's attacking a fly, NOTHING can disturb him.  
  
Athena: Well, that's true. But please, I NEED you. You just HAVE to do this for me. PLEEEASE????????  
  
Aphrodite: Why would I trust you with my girdle when I distinctly remember you trying to kill me on that battlefield back in the Trojan War?  
  
Athena: I did not try to kill you! If I had tried, I would have succeeded, and you know I would. I simply tried to help you learn your place, and that is not on the battlefield. And it was your fault that you were rooting for those dumb Trojans. Especially that Aeneas you liked so much. snickers  
  
Aphrodite: Hey!  
  
Athena: Come on, Aphrodite. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZEEE???????????????????????  
  
Aphrodite: All right, all right. But if it backfires on you, you can't blame me. Alright? Don't you remember the-um- thing between him and me?  
  
Athena: annoyed You don't have to rub it in. But thank you so much, Aphrodite. You have no idea what this means to me.  
  
Aphrodite: Oh, trust me. I think I do. I'm the goddess of love. Remember?  
  
Athena: sheepishly Oh yeah.  
  
Aphrodite: Hey, you haven't been speaking in Old English! Whats up with that?  
  
Athena: Oh, uh, um, I, uh, I gotta go-eth. Bye!  
  
Aphrodite: Yeah, sure. Bye.  
  
Later  
  
Athena is walking along in her new dress; a beautiful red and blue with royal purple sashes. But it is what was underneath that counted- Aphrodite's girdle- the very maker of love.  
  
Ares is seen on the sign of the road sharpening his sword.  
  
Athena suddenly uses a very strange voice; not exactly like her regular more deep voice, but one more like the beautiful Aphrodite's, sounding soft and smooth.  
  
Athena: Come to me, Ares.  
  
Athena began to walk to him, and Ares looked really freaked out and backed up as far as he could until he bumped into a tree.  
  
Ares: Whoa, hold on- um, are you okay- I mean I could see you being attracted to me- smiles then shakes his head and gets scared again- but what's up with the whole dress?  
  
Just then Athena turned her leg just slightly to reveal a red and gold girdle (sorry all, I didn't know what the real colors were but I wanted to make it pretty ) wrapped very of tightly around her leg (Aphrodite was much thinner than Athena, Athena had been working in the gym lately and built herself quite a muscular build; fine for the battlefield, but not for "just too small" kind of clothes).  
  
Athena then whipped off the girdle (hey, this is my fan fic, and I can make it as stupid as I want it! Oh, sorry- I get kind off protective of my freakishly creative imagination's inventions- and I love to use big words too! ) and held it high into the air. It blazed furiously and that cheesy music that movies play when something strange is happening could be heard in the near background. She then said some words in Greek and lowered it until it was right in front of both Ares and Athena's face. It was blazing all the more furiously with each passing moment, and Ares covered his eyes to shield them from the light. Athena began to speak again, still in Greek.  
  
Athena: "blah blah blah blah blah"  
  
Ares was suddenly thrown back onto the ground and knocked unconscious. The girdle had stopped glowing and Athena snapped out of her trance. She backed up slowly from Ares' motionless body, then realizing what she had done, she turned and fled down the street.


	3. A Lesson Learned

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Jaws or Indiana Jones; if I did, Indiana Jones would join the rest in my personal slave collection... tee hee hee...  
  
A/N: I'm beginning to think about giving you an author's note for each chapter! Kewl! N-e-wayz, Sorry (() about that thing with Athena's speaking at the end of the last chapter. I dunno what happened, but the computer screwed up and somehow made her speaking a bunch of question marks! And just to warn you, this chapter is slightly different than my others... tee hee hee... Oh, don't worry, it is not bad or anything. It is a little more serious than the others, because in this chapter you need to have more emotion for the things that happen. Don't worry. It WILL get less serious in the next chapter. I PROMISE. Oh, I have decided to stop using Old English with Athena. If you liked her Old English and want me to put it back, review and tell me. By the way, I NEED MORE REVIEWS!!!!! Sweetly So please, won't you review for me dear? Okay, that was just freaky...  
  
Chapter 3: A lesson learned  
  
The morning is bright. Rays of sunshine blaze through the cool shade of a willow tree where two young women sit braiding daisies into wreathes. The crisp morning breeze swept their long golden and brown hair into their faces, stinging their eyes before being pushed away by long, dainty fingers. Athena and Aphrodite sat talking as they had for hours, just enjoying the fresh air. Suddenly Aphrodite grew quiet and stared at something in the distance. Athena became worried.  
  
Athena: What is it?  
  
Suddenly, "Jaws" began to play in the background. Aphrodite pointed to the direction in which she was staring and Athena turned around slowly only to see... Prince Charming? No... Hercules? No, it couldn't be. Hercules was still a teenager in those cheesy Disney Movies... Gasp Could it be? Ares?  
  
Suddenly the "Jaws" music scratches off and the Indiana Jones theme song began to play as Ares rode over the hillside on his trusty steed. Then, that song went off too, because Athena had just grabbed the record player and smashed it into bits so that she could fully enjoy watching the love of her life riding down the hill without any annoying, cheesy music playing in the background distracting her. Athena began to speak.  
  
Athena: Wha.....  
  
But before she could finish, Ares had arrived and with one fluid motion he swept off his horse and headed in Athena's direction. Athena, now standing, began to wonder what he was going to do. Had he found out about her plan? But if the plan had worked, he wouldn't remember, and he would come to get her... maybe the plan had worked after all...  
  
Athena held out her arms, hoping for him to walk into them and then sweep her up onto his horse and ride away into the sunset, even if it was 10:30 in the morning. But instead, he walked right past her to the sitting Aphrodite and ... WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Athena fell to the ground and felt darkness sweep over her. She just wanted to sleep, to forget about what had happened, and just sleep. Just sleep.  
  
Later   
  
Athena woke to see Aphrodite standing over her with a worried look on her face and holding a wet cloth on Athena's forehead. Athena sat up and looked around her. Where was she ? What had happened? Then Aphrodite spoke.  
  
Aphrodite: Are you all right? I was worried. That was a nasty spill you took there.  
  
Athena: What? I... I don't remember anything... what happened?  
  
Aphrodite became silent, lowering her head and looking away from Athena. But Athena would not let her get off that easy.  
  
Athena: Aphrodite? What happened? You must tell me.  
  
Aphrodite looked up at Athena with a sad face and glanced absent-mindedly at where Ares could be seen with his back turned to them, petting his horse. He turned around and looked at them. Suddenly everything came back to Athena; all the hurt, the pain, everything. She remembered what had happened.  
  
Ares had walked by Athena as if she wasn't even there, and had sat down next to the beautiful Aphrodite. There he had gently leaned over and kissed the surprised Aphrodite on her cheek and whispered "I love you" in her ear. Remembering this made Athena break down into tears, and then fall back down onto the ground, letting sleep overcome her once more...  
  
A/N: sniffle, sniffle Oh, I sniffle I-I'm so s-sorry. I get so e- emotional... yeah right! N-e-wayz, Please review. Did you like this chapter? Or did you hate it? Was it too emotional? Or not enough? Tell me! Tell me! TELL ME!!!!!!!! clears her throat N-e-Wayz, I will thank all you great reviewers in the next chapter. Until then, TTFN! Ta-ta for now! Hey, I love Tigger, and don't you dis it! Well gotta go, C-Ya L8er!


	4. It Isn't Always Easy

Disclaimer: I don't own Tom Brokaw or the Nightly News. Sorry, but the personal slave collection is being left out of this one. Yuck!  
  
A/N- Sorry this authors note is so long, but I will now proceed to thank everyone who wrote in, and give a personal notes to my friends off-line who wrote in. Be prepared for corniness... (tee hee hee... enjoy it Andrea, it won't last long. )  
  
To the dear Green jade swallow, How are you my dear? (that one's for your sister). It has been much to long since my last update. Oh yes, I remember the Buzz Saw Falls episode. That was great fun. May your corn be ever yellow, my dear green acquaintance; that is, may the Emperor ever have his new corn! (Say Hi to Mr. And Mrs. Pickles for me). Please e-mail me as soon as possible.  
  
To my editor to be- I'm VERY sorry to disappoint you, but it appears as if The Fellowship of the Cheap Plastic Ring will not be in production this summer. sniff, sniff WAAAAAAAH!!!!! It's a long story, but I willl explain it to you when next we meet on a Friday night.  
  
To Remy La Beau- (that is how it is spelled isn't it?) Thank you for being a loyal friend even if you only reviewed once.  
  
Also many thanks to Aryante, The smiley face dude, Chix, and any others I may have forgotten. Your reviews are all greatly appreciated.  
  
To all of you who are still trying to figure out what this story is, I have finally decided. It is a generally mordern version of Greek mythology with romance, a bit of tragedy, and a touch of cheesy humor. Sounds pretty sophisticated, huh?  
  
And now, to conclude this very LONG a/n, back by popular demand........Athena's old English!!!! (Yay, yahoo, Yipee, whatever.) And now to the story.  
  
Chapter Four: It isn't always easy...  
  
Athena was sitting at home quietly when it happened. Another of her "great ideas". (So much for "A lesson Learned"). But let's go back in time to see how it really happened.  
  
Watching the Nightly News with Tom Brokaw was nothing new for Athena. It was her job to find out who was mad at who for what and start a war then completely obliterate both sides and send them home whimpering to their mummy with their tail between their legs and force them to sign a peace treaty. Such was the line of work for Athena, day in, day out. Get angry, kill, sign a peace treaty. Get angry, kill some more, sign a peace treaty. And Athena wouldn't have it any other way. But there was something different about tonight. Something smelled fishy... 'Oooh, 2-for-1 salmon night in the Agora-eth' thought Athena. 'No, that's not it-eth. Something else-eth...'  
  
Suddenly a commercial caught Athena's eye. It went something like this:  
  
"Have you been down lately about your recent dates that turned out a disaster? Is there a man or woman you love who just won't give you the time of day?"  
  
(Athena): Yes-eth!!  
  
"Would you do anything just to get his or her attention?"  
  
(Athena):YES-ETH!  
  
"Then you need to see...a Psychiatrist!"  
  
Suddenly a really catchy song started playing.  
  
(To the tune of "At the Continental Auto Mall, East 32 nd Street" )  
  
"At the Psychiatrist's Office,  
East 'Special Person' Street,  
Right next the nut house!"  
  
Athena stared blankly at the screen. She had to go! Grabbing her salmon, she dashed out the door and down the street.  
  
Later  
  
Sitting in the psychiatrist's office, Athena was getting very impatient. She was waiting for the psychiatrist to come in and tell her exactly what was wrong with her and Ares. Suddenly the walked in.  
  
Athena: Oh, your finally here-eth! So do you know what is going wrongeth?  
  
Psychiatrist: sighs then sits down at her desk Well Athena, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your little episode with Aphrodite's girdle has made it impossible for Ares to love you, or anyone else but Aphrodite.  
  
Athena face grew solemn.  
  
Athena: So what does this meaneth?  
  
Psychiatrist: It means that you could never court him, or marry him, or many other things. He will always love Aphrodite, no matter what you do.  
  
Athena: But I can not marry any one else-eth! All of the other gods are stupid, drunk, ugly, stinky, hairy...  
  
Psychiatrist: Gods?  
  
Athena: Well, yes-eth!  
  
Psychiatrist: Yes Athena, I know. And that is exactly why I've found something better for you to try.  
  
Athena: What-eth?  
  
Psychiatrist: Mortal Men.  
  
Athena: WHAT-ETH???  
  
Psychiatrist: Mortal Men!  
  
Athena: I heard you the first time, but... but... why mortal men-eth?  
  
Psychiatrist: In my many years of being married to one of them, I have found that they are more docile, faithful, and loving than most gods. I think that it would be a good experience for you.  
  
Athena: But... sigh ... it would be so hardeth. I mean, I've never done anything like thiseth!  
  
Psychiatrist: Yes, I know. It isn't always easy to try new things, but usually, it is for the better. Please, Athena. I really think it will help you.  
  
Athena thought for a moment.  
  
Athena: sighs I'll do it-eth.  
  
A/N-Hope you enjoyed! There is more to come VERY soon. But first, please vote on the first contestant on Athena's dates. Should it be Fransico, the Colombian drug lord, Hank, the cowboy, or Roger, the car salesman? Please review and let me know.


	5. Half Price?

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the cars mentioned here. Wish I did, but I don't.  
  
A/N- sighs happily Ahhhhhh! It feels so good to get writing again, FINALLY. Hope you all didn't miss me too much in my absence. Well, I must say, this was quite a close vote. While there was two for Roger in the reviews, there was one for Francisco online and one of my friends read it and told me off-line that they wanted him too! This was broken when another friend told me they wanted Roger and so........ ROGER THE CAR SALESMAN WINS!!!!!!! music and cheers Yay! Yippe! ......  
  
Ne-Ways, I kinda felt sorry for Hank... he didn't get ANY votes- :( Oh well, he was a loser anyway. Oh, since it was such a close vote, Francisco will be put in the lineup for votes next time. Well, that's all I can think of right now so, uh, enjoy!  
  
P.S. – I sincerely apologize to Computer dunce if I ever offended you with my comment on cheesy music, I in no way meant to imply that he was a bad writer! Well, now that that's done, on with the story!  
  
Chapter -er, umm- Where are we at again?- Oh, the title is-  
  
"Half Price?"  
  
Athena was getting nervous. He was supposed to be there a half an hour ago!  
  
Who, you say?  
  
Why, her blind date. Roger.  
  
Her psychiatrist had set her up. Said he was a "friend of her husband" . That alone made Athena nervous. But oh well, Athena thought. Even if this one screws up big time, she said she had plenty more.  
  
But Athena was confident (she had been listening to those motivational tapes the psychiatrist had given her). She had even fantasized about what he looked like, tall, dark, with strong arms, and beautiful eyes. Then she realized she was thinking of Ares....  
  
No! She was not going to think about him. The psychiatrist had told her not to think about him, to clear him from her mind, but she couldn't help being drawn back to him in everything.  
  
She sighed. Where was he?  
  
Suddenly a very fancy looking deep purple viper with orange flames pulled up at her house.  
  
J.L. Tinsley: Oh! My favorite car! gasps How much more perfect could it be?!?! What a perfect car... it couldn't be more perfect! Except maybe if it was a silver Lotus Elite, or a red '65 convertible Mustang, or a deep-blue corvette, or maybe a yellow Lamborghini, or-oh! A lime-green bug car with daisy wheel hub-caps! Screams Aaaaah! laughs This is SO awesome!  
  
Athena: Hey, what are you doing here-eth? Get outeth! This is my storyeth! Quit trying to steal my thunder... no pun intended-eth!  
  
J.L. Tinsley: Achem... first of all, this is MY story, I AM the authoress of this pathetic excuse of a fan fic, and second of all, I was not stealing your thunder, and, by the way, that was REALLY lame... its your dads thunder anyway!  
  
Athena: Yeah, well he gave it to me-eth! Anyway, get out-eth! You're ruining it-eth!  
  
J.L. Tinsley: growls You're going to regret that! Bum Bum Bum Bum!!!!! ... Disappears into a bubble I'll be baaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bubble posps Eeeek!  
  
Athena: sighs FINALLY! Now lets try that again-eth...  
  
...Suddenly a very fancy looking deep purple viper with orange flames pulled up at her house.  
  
Athena: Oooh! I'm likin' him already-eth!  
  
Then he stepped out.  
  
He looked like something out of a dream; his perfect white teeth were so store-bought straight, and "his" hair (AKA-toupee) was flying wildly in the wind. He walked up to the door and rang the bell.  
  
Athena: Okay, be cool-eth. Don't sound too eager-eth. Takes deep breath Okay. Opens the door coy smile Hello-eth.  
  
Roger: Well, hello ma'am. How are you liking it?  
  
Athena: Um, okay I guess...  
  
Roger: Great! I'll have the papers ready tomorrow!  
  
Athena: What?!?!?!? What papers-eth?  
  
Roger: Why the car papers, of course! big grin   
  
Athena: Um, but I didn't, um... sighs I- wait, what car-eth?  
  
Roger: My viper, of course! another big grin   
  
Athena: Well, um, I guess that's okay... I think-eth...  
  
Roger: Great! I hope you don't mind if we drive it around a bit tonight, do you?  
  
Athena: Well, I...  
  
Roger: Great! Now, are you ready to go?  
  
Athena: Um, yeah I suppose-eth.  
  
Roger: Great! Now lets get going.  
  
Athena: Alright-eth.  
  
The two entered the car and began to drive down the street. They soon came to a nice restaurant called LeVino's. They entered into the restaurant, and were quickly seated at a round table with flowers and music filling the entire room.  
  
Waiter: May I take your order?  
  
Roger: Uh, yes looking at menu we'll have the... steaks. By the way sweetie, they are half price today.  
  
Athena: The cars-eth?  
  
Waiter: The steaks.  
  
Roger: Who brought you into this?  
  
Athena: Hey!  
  
Roger: No! Waiter!  
  
Waiter: The steaks?  
  
Roger: The cars!  
  
Athena: Half-price-eth?  
  
Roger: My baby!  
  
Athena: gasps You have a child-eth?!  
  
Roger: No, you!  
  
Athena: gasps even louder I'M your child-eth?!?!?!?  
  
Roger: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You, my baby, sugar, sweetums, whatever, are getting half price!  
  
Athena: WHAT?!?!? You're saying I was half price-eth?  
  
Waiter: Are you gonna order or not?  
  
Roger: NO!  
  
Waiter: Well, sheesh, you don't have to yell it!  
  
Roger: I mean, yes!  
  
Athena: gasps You mean I was... You... gasps The physiatrist-eth! growls  
  
Roger: No, the cars!  
  
Athena: What... oooooooooooooooooh! smiles and thinks she understands I get it now-eth! I'm half price, your baby likes steak, and the waiter wants a new car-eth! Ah! Duh! Shakes her head and looks at the menu smiling  
  
Roger: Er, uh, sssure, y-yeah, that's it. Yeah.  
  
Athena: Oh! Um waiter, I would really suggest a deep purple viper with orange flames-eth! It's a great deal-eth! Oh, and um, I'd like the steak please-eth!  
  
Roger: Hey, you know they are half price!  
  
Waiter: swoons Oh, no!  
  
Roger: You know, I'm not that hungry for steak anymore. Besides, this scene is getting kinda cheesy anyway...  
  
Athena: Oooh, look, the cheese cart is coming around-eth!  
  
Roger: Great!  
  
J.L. Tinsley: Ughh! That has got to be the corniest thing I've ever written...  
  
Later  
  
The evening seemed to fly by after that, and at the end of the night, Roger dropped her off at her house, happier than she could have ever dreamed she could have been.  
  
A/N- The end! Well, of this chapter. Now, vote for the next lucky date of Athena- Francisco the Colombian drug lord, Jean Claude, the feminine French cloths designer, or anyone else you think should be in here!


	6. The Model

Disclaimer: Okay, you can't tell me you all are really THAT stupid. Do I really need to tell you in EVERY chapter what I do and don't own! Lord! This is pretty sad... Anyway, its must be done... but do you REALLY think I own Wal-Mart?! OR Salvation Army?! I didn't think so! Humph! (But just in case you did think I owned them, I don't, so don't come asking me for gist certificates or a bell-ringer's Santa Suit or something...or one of those annoying bells. THEY NEVER STOP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!) And to the squirrel who never stops talking (or growing for that matter), The wall did NOT eat your sushi...it was me... wails I'm so sorry! It was just so tempting! I feel so fat now... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Sniffle sniffle. Okay, I'm better now. To the story-thingy-ma-bobber!  
  
A/N-Me again. I bet you're all SO excited. Rolls eyes . Yeah. Whatever. So here's the next chapter or whatever. I think I'm gonna say that a lot. But whatever. That's beside the point. Whatever. Oh and no offense if you're French or something I just wanted something funny in here. So, um, yeah. Whatever.  
  
So, um... I think this is chapter 6 or something but whatever-  
The model  
  
See, you come in and there is this girl sitting there named like Athena or something but whatever. Man, I feel very flippant and nonchalant. Whatever. Anyway she's like biting her nails or something which is like, REALLY unhealthy cause it eats your stomach or something, but whatever.  
  
Ok, wake up, Brittney, you sound like a dead hippie! Sorry all I have not had my morning coffee (seeing as I don't drink coffee that is probably a good thing). Well now I am REALLY going to get to the story now and no more whatever's. Well, except that cause it was describing 'whatever' and DOH! OH! Okay, that was my last thought! Well actually that was cause it was describing it and AH! Oh! Shhh! Eek! Oh it's a never-ending cycle of insanity! Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And no more self-insertion...DOH! Be quiet in there! Ah!...  
  
Chapter 6: The model  
  
Well, at least I got THAT right. She was sitting in her house biting her nails. She had seen the psychiatrist again and she said Athena should no longer see Roger (waaaaaaaaaaah! Oh! Shut up! Eek!) but instead find another man. In her desperation, Athena agreed on one of the doctor's men again. "This one reminds me of Aphrodite a bit." She had said. "I like Aphrodite-eth." Athena had replied, thinking very hard. "Well, he does have one teeny tiny problem..." That made Athena rather apprehensive. "What-eth?" she said. "Well...he's rather...well... vain." "Vain-eth? I don't know if I like vainness-eth." She thought a moment. " Vain-ith, vains-eth. Vanity-eth..." "Achem...back to the point..." "Oh yes-eth. Sorry-eth." "Anyway, like I was saying, he's really quite a lovely young man. About your height, perhaps a bit shorter..."

"Shorter-eth!? Well I certainly can't have someone SHORTER than me- eth!!!""Oh come now! You shouldn't be so hard on him. He's French you know..."She gasped. Suddenly Athena felt very foolish and rude. She almost felt like crying! Stupid, stupid goddess. Poor little guy. How awful it must be to be... she shuddered... she almost didn't dare say it... French. It was bad enough just being short, but being French just made it all the worse. French was bad. French was very bad. French was worse than cable."Oh-eth. I'm so sorry-eth. I...I didn't know-eth."

"Yep. And that's why I thought you would be good together. You, of all people, would be sympathetic. He's kind of had a hard time lately. Every time someone asks him out, which is usually out of sympathy, he turns them down. I think his self-esteem is getting so low he doesn't want to date anyone out of fear of embarrassment."

Athena sighed and thought a little. She sort of felt...obligated to date him. She knew if he were to date a goddess, that would be like...like... like being mistaken for an American! That's almost as good as the Internet! It would be the best day of his short mortal life! Of course, he wouldn't know she was a goddess. That is, unless her, sigh , natural beauty showed through. She thought some more, and then decided.

"Alright-eth. I'll go out with him ONLY once-eth. I don't want a reputation of liking...you know... FRENCH guys-eth."

"Oh thank you Athena! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank! Oh, and you'll need to drop the old English thing...They might find it offensive...You know, with their funky accent and all."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever-eth. So, um... what's his name-eth?"

"Oh right, his name. His name is..."

"Yes-eth????" She was getting impatient.

"Jean Claude Philip Junior the Second."  
  
Later  
  
It wasn't until much later that she remembered that name. She knew it was familiar, but she didn't know where from. As she went shopping for that evening, the clothes seemed to scream at her, "Buy me! I'm designed and sold by the racy and slightly feminine clothing designer Jean Claude Philip Junior the second!"

It was just then that she realized it- she HATED French clothes and their designers...ESPECIALLY his clothes. She had seemed them before- the low cut, dangly, stringy, gothic, pearl covered, fluffy laced, graffiti impersonating scraps of cloth known is the French world as 'dresses and gowns for formal occasions.' Now she knew why they were worse than cable. She seemed VERY out of place in her soft white toga and olive leaf wreath woven in her hair while she stood in the middle of the nearest Wal-Mart... (what's Wal-Mart in Greek? She wondered). Oh well. If they weren't going to accept her for who she was and not who they thought she should be than she was just gonna leave...humph...besides, she could always go to Salvation Army... They always have good clothes there...  
  
Later...again!  
  
She met him outside his house in Southern Paris. He was dashing, a fine example of pure French blood and legacy, ringing throughout the hallways of time and honor. (In other words he was short with one of those annoying curly beard things and had on a black striped shirt... oh and a little green hat thing...I think its called a beret but whatever...).

"Well, hello monsieur Jean Claude Philip Junior the second! (Try saying that one five times fast! Ha! You actually tried! HA HA HA! Whatever...) He looked at her up and down and a look of disgust fell upon his face. She became worried. "Um...Is something the matter?"

He scoffed and for a moment she thought he sounded quite like a pig and had to hold back her laughter. And he hasn't spoken once, she thought. Maybe he's mute. She rolled her eyes. Great. Just great! I go out for a date and she sets me up with a short mute French clothes-designing pig! This is just WONDERFUL! Grrrrrrrr. Finally he talked, but in a very funny, high-pitched, THICK French accent.

" Are you really wearing THAT?! Get in her quickly before anyone sees me! Quickly quickly quickly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She thought this very offensive and found him very rude to say such things. But she wouldn't know HOW rude until later that night.  
  
Later  
  
She sat in his living room waiting... and waiting...and waiting... This was VERY boring. Finally he arrived out of a back room holding up a racy little gown about one-eighth of the size of her own present toga. Her voice was astonishingly shrill.

"WHAT?! I am NOT wearing that!!!" "Hmmm...you're right, it would make your hips look MUCH too big. Wait here." She gasped and gaped at his horrid manners. No WONDER no one would date him... actually, HE wouldn't date anyone. His self-esteem was just fine, that was NOT the problem. He probably thought they were all too fat or something! The poor girls! She decided she MUST say something...

A few minutes later he returned again, this time with something even less modest. It cut well below her waist and went MUCH to far down her neck- line. What little scraps WERE there were simply that- scraps of clothes, ripped and torn and seemingly glued to a tiny band around her top and waist. This was too far.

"Now see here, Jean Claude, I..."

"No no no no no! You have much too large hips! You will tear ze dress! This is disgusting, why just look at that flab simply HANGING off of you!"

"Why I never! I am perfectly fine young man! In fact, for my age and category I am a bit UNDER-..." He began to busy himself about her, rudely forcing on the new gown despite her will and taping and pinning at what seemed like a million miles an hour.

"Stop it! I said stop! Stop it now! Quit it!" She tried over and over but the words were falling on deaf ears. By now she was nearly stark naked in his flat despite the fact that the dress was fully on her and in its desired, if not quite appropriate, placing. She simply HAD to do SOMETHING to get his attention. Then it came to her. She knew she shouldn't say it, but it was her last resort and seemingly the only way to get out of this.

"I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU! I HATE YOUR CLOTHES! I NEVER WANTED TO DATE YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE! I JUST FELT SORRY FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE FRENCH!!! NO WONDER NO ONE ELSE WOULD GO OUT WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Right away she knew she have kept her mouth shut. His hands seemed to freeze in place and then quiver a little. He rose quietly and stood as still as a statue. Her hand rose to her mouth as if driven by some unseen force held in place by an invisible ghost. His voice was unnaturally shaky.  
  
"What did you just say?"

"Oh, Oh Jean Claude, I'm so sorry, I..."

"You went out with me out of PITY? Because I am FRENCH?!" He looked as if he were spitting the words out in disgust. "You hate my clothes?!" She couldn't lie to him, so she simply nodded her head in solemnity. He sighed. "And you say...you are breaking up with me??" Again, she could only bring herself to nod. "Then let me ask you a question... Since when have we been going out?! I have not dated any one since... since before I met Emmaline!"

She was taken aback. Emmaline? Who was she?! He was not really single!? What had the physiatrist said to him!? Questions raced through her head. She was so shocked by this she hardly thought to breath and she went very pale.

"You...you're not...single? You...you're married?!?!?!" This time it was he who nodded his head.

"To my top model, Emmaline. I met her several years ago and we married not long after. She is at a photo shoot as we speak."

"Then....then what did Dr. Agathy send me here for? What did she say to you?" He chuckled.

"You mean ze physiatrist? She said you were here for tomorrows runway show. That you were new to modeling and could use a lesson in using the right moves to 'speak' to ze designers and that she heard I had lots of experience." He chuckled yet again. "She is quite the smooth talker, no?" Athena gasped at the shocking impudence. First she set her up with a car salesman, then a French man...a MARRIED French man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was turning out horribly.

"Listen, I am SO sorry about all of this. I had NO idea that you were..." she gulped, "married."

"Ah, no harm done. Though I am a bit offended about what you said of my clothes."

"Oh that! Oh, I am really sorry. I do hope that we can still be friends after this... After I serve my time for murdering the physco...I mean...physiatrist." At first he appeared to be taking her seriously and looked very disturbed, but then he realized it was a joke. (French people always did have a slow humor).

"Well, I don't mean to be rude, but you should probably go." He said. "Emmaline should be here any moment."

"Oh yes. Good-bye then!"

"Good-bye. Oh, wait a minute... Just what did you mean by... you felt sorry for me because I'm French?"

"Oh, that... well you know what they say about French..." He laughed.

"Do I ever! 'French is bad. French is very bad. French is worse than cable.'" They both laughed.

"Yes. Well, good-bye now!"

"Good-bye!" he said, and she turned around the corner, and left.


End file.
